Dadvocate: Guest Post by Len Kamdang

GUEST CONTRIBUTOR – The Dadvocate (Len H. Kamdang) 

“They don’t really do play-dates here in Taipei like they do in Brooklyn,” Latoya explained to me in advance of my holiday trip to Taipei. I had asked Latoya about the social scene for parents and their children. There are many obvious and dramatic differences between Taipei and Brooklyn: language, food, architecture … just to name a few. But of all the social norms that differ, oddly the one that stuck out to me the most is that parents don’t really do play-dates in Taiwan.

It’s especially odd because I don’t even think that particular difference is necessarily cultural. In most places, kids have their own extended families.  Families spend time with each other on weekends. Brooklyn has an unusually high number of families who don’t have a strong local family support network. My parents live in Asia. Latoya’s parents live in Memphis. For us and many of our friends we just don’t have that much family in New York. Consequently, play-dates have become a sort of pillar of social existence for kids in our social circle. Kids get along and parents seem relatively normal? Let’s get a play-date on the calendar. Parents seems really cool and have kids the same age as ours? We should do a play-date. Leila makes a new friend at school and wants to get together on the weekend? Play-date. From the parents’ perspective, the kids occupy themselves for a couple hours. The parents chat, they laugh, they politely debate the thicket of educating school-aged children in New York City. In its highest form there’s some decent wine or interesting beer and something delightful to munch on. What’s not to love? What do you mean they don’t do play-dates in Taipei?

In all seriousness, something I’ve worried about as Leila adventures on the other side of the world is how she will adapt socially.  People frequently ask me how it is being away from my wife and youngest daughter for a year. It’s difficult. I won’t lie. I know people ask Latoya how it is to be raising Leila all alone in Taipei without her husband. Without question, that’s even harder. But leading up to this international journey, I think we’d both agree that we’ve asked the most of Leila. There are American schools in Taipei where American kids can learn with other American kids. Leila does not attend one of those schools. She goes to a Taiwanese school with Taiwanese kids who, for the most part, only speak Mandarin. That’s not to say we completely threw her off the deep end: she actually attends the mother school of her Montessori school back in Brooklyn. We knew she was comfortable taking classes in Mandarin – in fact, her teacher this past year did not even speak English. Still, I worried before she left: how would she adjust to speaking only Chinese on the playground with other kids? That’s has to be a huge adjustment. On top of that, she wasn’t going to get to see her dad every day. It’s a lot to ask of a five-year-old.

If you don’t know Leila, one thing that becomes immediately clear upon meeting her is that she is social. She loves meeting people. She loves talking to new friends. And she loves being in the mix. How was Leila going to do in a new country with kids from a different culture who don’t speak English? I often thought of the play-date as our ace in the hole for making friends. Leila loves them just as much as me. Yet, as we’ve video-chatted over the past few months, I was a little surprised that how much less concerned Latoya has been about Leila developing a happy social life. She’s repeatedly dismissed my concerns, “You don’t have to worry about Leila…she’s always going to figure out how to make friends.”

I was excited to spend the holidays in Taipei with Latoya, Leila, and our Memphis based family over the holidays. In my first visit in September, I was interested in seeing the sights and doing all the famous experiences. This time, I hadn’t seen my wife and kid in three months. I only really wanted to spend time with them, to observe their adjustment to living in another country. I wanted to experience their Taipei life.

I’m happy to report that Latoya and Leila have fully integrated into their neighborhood. Everywhere they go, they seem to know people, and the locals are really happy to see them. When we walk by the fruit stand at the counter, the lady running it always waves and offers Leila a piece of dragon-fruit or an orange. By her school, there’s a street bao (bread) vendor who waves excitedly at Latoya and Leila when they walk by. My first day there, I walked Leila to school and the bao lady ran out, hugged Leila, and she said something to her in Chinese. I did not understand it. As we continued on the way to school, Leila whispered to me “she calls me her little princess.” For her part, Latoya has been studying Mandarin with a private tutor daily and she’s getting good at it. She does all of the talking when we go out. Everyone seems pretty amused to encounter this family where the Chinese dad barely speaks, the black mother from rural Mississippi speaks functionally, and five-year-old high-energy firecracker is totally fluent in Mandarin. Leila absolutely recognizes that she speaks the most Chinese and she loves it. She loves speaking and making friends with everyone. If you didn’t know, Leila is social.

Although her Memphis extended family also made the trip for the holidays, I made it a point to spend as much one-on-one time with Leila as I could – both to try and give Latoya some relief but also so I could observe Leila privately. I wanted to see how she was making the adjustment socially and see if she was happy. One day, on the way home from a movie, we were on the train and Leila saw a boy her age watching her play Super Mario Brothers on her Nintendo DS. It was raining out (it’s rainy season right now, if you are reading this close to posting time, assume it’s raining in Taipei) and the train was pretty crowded.

Leila leaned in to whisper in my ear: “Baba, I’m going to go ask him if he wants to play with me.” With that she slid off her seat and sat next to the boy. As the train continued along, I watched Leila explain Super Mario Brothers to her new friend. I could only make out some of the words: tiao! (jump); mogu (mushroom); gui (turtle); and huo (fireball…I think?). They were having a pretty good time. For months, I’ve worried about her going to a new country. I worried how she would do speaking to her classmates on the playground. And now here was my child telling me she wanted to go up and talk to random kids on the train. All of my fears turned out to be unfounded. Leila will always figure out how to make friends.

On one of our final days, I told Latoya that I wanted to take her parents to Din Tai Fung – a famous restaurant in that began in Taipei that is famous for their xiao long bao (soup dumplings). As Latoya explained to her parents, it’s a bit of a tourist destination, a little overpriced, and the wait times can be excessive.  In that sense, Latoya’s mother compared it to Rendezvous, the famed barbecue joint in Memphis. The food is undeniably delicious though. Although we did our best to get there early there was no escaping the crowds: there was a two hour wait. Latoya decided to take her mother to a spa, Leila and I opted for a walk in the neighborhood together. More baba-daughter one-on-one time for Leila and Len.

We soon happened upon a playground teeming with kids running around and having a good time. Leila’s eyes immediately lit up. A playground filled with happy children in any country is her catnip. We spent some time playing on the monkey bars but she soon got bored with me. “Baba, I’m going to make friends with those kids and see if anyone wants to color with me,” she told me confidently.  “Okay, have fun” I told her…And then I sat back watched with great interest while she went to work.

Although my Chinese is shaky at best, it’s good enough to understand that this is literally what my daughter told these kids: “Hi, that’s my dad, he doesn’t speak Chinese, do you all want to go sit over there next to him and color with me?” While that was perhaps a bit embarrassing for me, I couldn’t help but marvel at Leila’s friend game. She has no fear. Here she was out in the middle of Taipei on a playground where she didn’t know anyone and she marched right up to a group of little girls to introduce herself.

I watched as they continued to laugh and play together. I honestly couldn’t follow everything they were saying. But it warmed my heart and I understood why Latoya was so relaxed about Leila’s social life. Before long, Leila brought her new group of friends over and asked if they could have the art materials she had brought with her to occupy herself in the restaurant. They gathered and started drawing portraits of each other on a bench next to me.

As it got closer to the time we had to report back to the restaurant, Latoya returned. She was completely unsurprising to find Leila coloring with a group of little girls she had just met. Latoya politely introduced herself to their parents and told Leila it was time for lunch. Once the kids stopped playing, the mothers exchanged social media information with each other. They explained that they had recently enrolled their children in English lessons. What an opportunity it would be for their daughters if they could play with their new American friend and speak some English. Each of the kids introduced proudly introduced themselves with their “English” names: Lily, Iris, Alice. The moms suggested it would great if Leila could come over sometime so the kids could continue their friendship. They also expressed interest in learning more about Latoya’s research. They talked about getting something on the calendar soon. In that moment, I came to a realization: as much as Latoya is in the midst of her own journey of scholarship and cultural exchange – Leila is as well.

I need not have worried. Leila will always figure out a way to make new friends. As the mothers wrapped up and began making their way out of the park with their daughters, Leila came running up to me and gave me a hug. “Baba, those are my new friends, they asked their mommies.  We’re all going to have a play-date soon.”